Blarg.

Ever feel like you're running out of steam?

The past month has been hell on me and I don't suspect it will get any better any time soon. It's been chock full of emotions, disappointments, happiness and surprises... but now, I just want it to be over with. I want to be through with the exam in 2 weeks that will seal my fate. I want to be done with this Friday, so that I can move on from my hurt and sadness and focus on the next chapter of my life. I want to be... just.. at peace.. and right now, I can't find that.

I'd love to be able to pop a movie in anytime I want.. or go to the theater.. or go shopping or go to the spa... whenever I wanted. But.. nu-uh. I've signed myself up for the most depressing, emotional, stressful, complicated lifestyle imaginable.

Why? Because I want to help. Because I want to "be the change" that needs to be implemented into our healthcare systems so badly. Because I LOVE, love, LOVE learning.. and medicine.. and patients. I LOVE it.

But why am I struggling with it so much? Suppose it's partially because of my poor grades.. and my social life (which has taken a huge move to the back burner, but has it's effect on me and my brain.) and the winter. God, I love the winter.. but I'm ready for it to be spring. Seasonal Activity Disorder (SAD) is no laughing matter. *ba-da-bum* It really isn't. I've seen it affect me more and more as the years have gone by.

Ay.. time for a break.. and by break, I mean sleep.. and by sleep I mean.. stay up a couple more hours to review and then get in at least 2 sleep cycles before lecture.

It's gotta get better. Right? Or maybe I just need to adjust my attitude so that it *is* better... Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

A Reflection..

As I sit here reflecting on the past 5 months, listening to Bing and Nat caroling their merry Christmastime melodies, smelling an amazing turkey in the oven, twinkling lights aglow upon the live evergreen tree that dons a Christmas angel that has been in our family for 40 years, I cannot help but realize how blessed I am -- and how vastly different my life is since this point last year. My life has made a complete 180 turn since last Christmas. Sure - I'd been accepted to Lincoln Memorial University - DeBusk College of Osteopathic Medicine (LMU-DCOM). Sure - my marriage was rocky. Sure - I had a few close friends in my hometown that I would sorely miss when the time came for me to move to greener pastures. Sure - I had an undeniably large family with three precious nieces. And yes, definitely, I had hours upon hours of free time... that, in the end, I took for granted.

Now, I am an OMS-0.5 (or an OMS-I if you want to be presumptuous) at LMU-DCOM. I'm on my way to a slightly painful divorce from my very best friend with whom I've remained as close as possible. I've made hundreds of friends in the past 5 months and have genuinely emerged from my introverted shell. I have a few new, very close friends while remaining true to my very best friends here. And now, I have the same very large family with an additional niece or nephew (v3.0) due for release in June 2010. And free time, ha. What is that? Well, I definitely couldn't tell you what it felt like before my semester ended a week ago.

There were times in the past 5 months where I've cried myself to sleep, wondering if I'd made the right decision by going to medical school. There have been times that I've wondered if I was going to even make it through the semester. There have been times that I've wondered if I was making a $60k mistake. But, there have been (MANY) times when I wouldn't want to change my life for all the money in the world. And there have definitely been countless times where I've laughed so hard I've cried, smiled so much my cheeks hurt and giggled until I felt like a 4 year old. My life is grand.

There have been a few academic setbacks as I've adjusted to the pace at which med school drives you. But I've prevailed. I've officially passed my first semester of medical school, even if not with the grades I'd expected at the beginning of the semester. But next semester, I've got it down. Right as the semester wound down, I realized my shortcomings and began to correct them.

Sexually charged mnemonics (hey, they worked). Tipton and his scooter. Toga parties. Mid-semester moving parties. Late hours in the anatomy lab and feeling famished after. Cursing my profs for their workload.. and myself for taking it for granted. $2 movies. La Esperanza and Pelanchos all. the. time. Mmm... Purple. Withdrawal from the SGA race. Drama, drama, drama. Bob-Hugs. The Vortex. Red Lights. Waffle King. Swimming. Going to bed early at 3am. Ripping a screen out and my neighbor crawling through my 2nd story window the second night I'd moved into my apartment because my crappy landlord told me to crash on someone's couch because he was too lazy to bring me a spare. Journey before every exam. The Post. The "unk." "Can you hear me in the back?" Live anatomy fashion show. "You need to stop being strong and just cry." My little blue dog.

So, so so many memories over the past 5 months and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my DCOM family. I love my girls.. my guys.. my profs and my school. And I'm proud to be an LMU-DCOM Med student and Railsplitter.

Merry Christmas to all. To my classmates: it's an honor. enjoy your break and I'll see you in the new year. To my family: I love you.. thank you so very much for supporting me throughout my endeavors. To my girls: Can't wait to see you. We'll set the place on fire.

Be blessed.

Studying in med school...

"Studying in med school is a lot like being really really drunk and then trying to have sex; you don't ever really finish, you just sort of do what you can and then pass out after awhile."

My Birthday Present from DCOM...

Today (9/22) is my birthday.

I couldn't be more excited for a multitude of reasons:

1. I'm finally getting this stuff.
2. I'm happy and surrounded by tons of wonderful people.
3. DeBusk College of Osteopathic Medicine is celebrating my birthday by giving me my first patient interaction! In about 16 hours, I get to have my first OSCE (Objective Structured Clinical Exam - or Standardized Patient). I'm SOOOO excited! I cannot wait!

Will certainly let you know how it goes.

And if you haven't noticed - it takes forever for me to update. Sigh, I just don't think about it.

Plenty to write about... but it's going to the wayside at the moment.

Despite the fact that I am ridiculously frustrated... I love it here.. and wouldn't have it any other way.

Will write soon..

The first month...

So I've survived my first four weeks of medical school.. my first written exam, my first team exam (barely), and my first lab practical. And I'm thriving. I love it here. I love every single thing I'm learning. Perhaps a bit of it is aggravating simply because of the professor's methodology, but overall I'm doing quite well.

We haven't received our exam grades, but I feel pretty confident about them. I'm either right or I'm waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off and I totally tanked it.

The brachial plexus is amazing... and histology is certainly not my favorite. I'd have to say that my favorite classes are anatomy and osteopathic principles and practice. :)

I've met tons and tons of people here.. some pretty awesome people.. many different backgrounds and ethnicities -- people from every region of the country.

I'm staying incredibly busy between school work and going to walmart - it's the only thing to do here! Small town = nothing. But that's a good thing!

I'm going home this weekend for the first time since before school started. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I think I'd rather stay here. I don't really have a terrible amount of studying to do, but I think I just like being here and on my own so much that I'd rather stay. BUT it will be good to see my nieces and family.

I'm having car issues... which is such a burden. I think if I hadn't had problems with it this weekend, I would have done a bit better on my lab practical 'cause I would have been able to focus on studying for it. Instead I was worrying about purchasing a new car or getting mine fixed. The ECM went out on it and it's going to cost $1000 for the part. I only have $3000 invested in the car, so.. I think it would be more logical to purchase a new one. BUT... since I'm a medical student and I have no reportable income, no one will finance a vehicle for me. Sigh.. My car drives okay for now.. but who knows when it will give out? That's the only thing frustrating me right now.

Hm.. I don't really have much more to say.. White Coat is a month from today! My first OSCE (Objective structured clinical examination) is on my birthday, which is in less than a month. I get to go home and practice my clinical skills this weekend. That's exciting! I'm not entirely comfortable with practicing on people that I don't know as well. Obviously, that has to change... but I'm easing into it. :)

Goodnight and good luck!

Exam I

My first exam is in ~1 hour.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel. I've been really relaxed about everything up to this point. Maybe it's a bad thing... maybe not. I just feel like I'm in the right place and that nothing can go wrong... but I could be way off base. I've studied. I've memorized. I've done all sorts of things. But no matter how much I memorize or study or try to regurgitate, I can't fit it all into my head. No one can.

So, with that being said.. Wish me luck. I'm coming home and blogging about this experience as soon as I make it home. I'm so excited to have this exam over with because I've let my apartment get trashed as I've studied. Books and school stuff are ALL OVER the place.

Ah. Wow. I can't believe I'm here.