Ghosts from the past...

I always knew my past would come back to haunt me. Always.

When I was 18, I ran off with a boy in the military and got married against everyone's wishes. We moved to California, bought a car, lived on base and all that jazz. He was deployed to Iraq and came back to father three children (none of which were mine) prior to our divorce. During the time that he spent sewing his seed, he defaulted on the car loan (I was not in possession of it) that I had cosigned on. That's been five years ago.

Well.. now, when my life is semi-on track, it comes back to bite me. Right on the ass. I applied for my Grad PLUS loans, which will help to cover cost of living while I'm in school this year... and my credit wasn't automatically approved. I was notified that my credit would be reviewed and action would be taken based upon the decision. Fail. My entire cost of living is in that loan..

I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm annoyed. I'm disappointed. And I'm doubting myself. I'm doubting that this is my path. My mistakes are so many but I have always prevailed despite them. Until now.. But what now? and WHY now? why couldn't it have bit me on the butt when I was going through the rest of my life?

And my mom, bless her, isn't the most optimistic person. She's the queen of demotivation. I told her yesterday that it was based on a credit check and I was worried about his car being on there. "You're screwed." she said. Thanks, mom.

So, now I'm lost. I don't know what to do. Waiting is always the hardest.. but I already know they'll say no. I guess I am screwed.

My big, yellow dog...

My big, golden yellow dog.. Willow, is 8 years old. I've been vying to get her sprung from solitary (i.e. on a tie-out, outside.. miserable) so that she could come live with us for months now...

And finally, it happened. Thursday night was so cold, we decided to get a crate and bring her home with us. She adjusted perfectly.

I woke up this morning to find my husband couldn't catch her to take her outside... and that she'd peed in the floor. She's always been well housetrained. Problem is... there was blood in her urine.

I called the emergency vet, took her there.. and after two hours, am left empty. She definitely has an infection. A bad one. But then there were also a lot of bladder cells that had sloughed off into her urine (plus a blood clot).

Long story short.. my vet wants to recheck on Friday after a round of antibiotics. However, with her age, we're checking for bladder cancer. He told me she had a 50/50 chance.. and wanted to prepare me for the worst.

I don't quite know what to do. I feel so empty. I just want to cry.. constantly.. and bury my face in her fur. She has been my best friend for 8 years now... I don't want to have to let her go.

Without Christmas Spirit..

It doesn't feel like Christmastime to me. I don't know why. I don't feel like putting up lights or decorations. I just don't feel like being Christmasy this year. Hmmph.

Well, at least for now. I've got the tree up, but that's it. It makes me sad because I've always been incredibly excited about Christmas. Of course, this year I decorated the tree by myself and haven't helped my parents with their tree, but.. meh. It doesn't feel like Christmas.

Blah. I'm just down in the dumps. Something feels off. My dad is sick, so that makes me worry (not to mention my mom over-worries, which makes me worry even more).

Ah well, I'm looking forward to next Christmas; that's for sure. I'll be at DCOM, halfway through OMS I! Who knows how different my life will be then, but I'm excited. I have a feeling being in the Christmas spirit is the only thing that will keep me going next year!

Anyone else just feel "bleh" sometimes at Christmas?

Oh, and I'm quitting my job next week. Surely that will make me feel more spirited. It's not worth $6.55/hr to destroy my back.